Realization Inundation #1

For months I have been chanting nam myoho renge kyo to change some painful aspects of my past into sources of benefit.  This morning when I woke up, I was reminded of something that TV personality, author, life coach, New Age spiritual leader Iyanla Vanzant said in her speech "Peace from Broken Pieces": When you live beyond what you think you can, should, or need to, you will blow your life up.  She recalled the time when she was fired from her talk show job with Buena Vista in 2001, and how 15 years earlier she was on welfare in the Projects.  After her termination from her job, Iyanla Vanzant realized that the woman that she was in the Projects did not believe that she deserved to be on TV, because that woman was  "friends with the voices from her past".  (For those who do not know, Iyanla had a troubled childhood plagued with abuse and denigration.  So the voices from the past are the words of the people who had abused and belittled her).
In relation to my own life, I realize that I was the same way.  The 21-year-old me at Norfolk State did not think that he deserved a choral scholarship, because that was going against his mother's urging that he stuck to playing the piano.  And because he did not think that he deserved it, he began to do things that he normally would not do like be late for a call time, and miss the final and salient performance of the school year due to bad communication.  The 23-year-old me did not think that he deserved to be at college #2 because he was openly gay, which flew right in the face of an expectation that he had in his teenage years to not be a black male stereotype (miscreant, unreliable, in a relationship with someone of another race, or a homosexual), and did not have a bachelor's like the rest of his former classmates.  I felt that I deserved nothing.  And because of this, that college  was a bust.  The voices that those two gentlemen were listening to were the voices of their parents' shaming and homophobic rhetoric.  Homophobia is a very detrimental and deleterious fundamental darkness.

My LGBTQ Experience: Whilst in the Midst of Winter

On the first Day of Kwanzaa, Umoja, in 2016 (December 26), the question was asked: what Macon, Georgia natives should do in order to promote unity?  I summoned up the courage, went to the microphone and said that there should be an embracing of Black people who were not Christian, Muslim, or Jew, and the Black LGBTQ.  The first one received much applause.  The second one did not.  I later explained to the host and his sons my reasons for doing that.  They understood.  My mother was upset to no end.  We argued about it that night.  No matter how much I explained it, she still said that it was wrong and unnecessary.  Needless to say, I was glad to be leaving Macon and going back to school.  However, I was still so upset about what had happened and the stress began to interfere with my schoolwork.  A lot of people said to give my mother time.  She would come around.  I've waited since I was 20 when I had told her that I liked men.  Since I was 20, Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed; then president Obama expressed his approval of same-sex marriage; DOMA was repealed; Prop 8 in California was repealed; same sex marriage became legal in all 50 states.  So I thought, "How much longer does she need?  Will I have crow's feet by the time she comes around?  Or will I have to become another LGBTQ suicide statistic like Bobby Griffith?  Also, I was afraid that my parent problems and family karma would negatively impact and poison my romantic relationships.  Upon thinking that it might take for my mother to come around, I decided that it's time to begin severing my relationship with both parents after years of abuse and reinforced homophobia and shame.  On February 16, I received mail from my mother.  In it contained a homophobic article about how black men were being feminized.  The next day, I let my parents know that I wanted no further contact with them unless it was major news concerning my family.  Eventually, I decided to put the changing poison into medicine concept into practice, and chanted nam myoho renge kyo to turn my homophobic experiences into sources of benefit.  The following Sunday, I understood the impact of being another suicide statistic.  I realized that even if it did wake my mother up, it would come at the expense of hundreds if not thousands of people I've encountered being devastated.  Eventually, an idea came to me to chant to value my own life like it's $1,000,000.  (Of course when inflation happens, that number is going to go up).  One of the reasons that many LGBTQ youth leave a homophobic home or environment, move to a more accepting place, but yet descend a path of self-destruction and at times suicide is because after years of reinforced shame and maltreatment because of their sexual orientation, they internalize it and don't begin to value their lives.  As a result, they are in a different place, with the same mindset; thus they continue the devaluing of their lives.  There are moments when I feel overwhelmed by the homophobia, however I fight it through studying either The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin Volume 1, The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin Volume 2, or the  Living Buddhism editions from May 2015 to February 2017.  What sticks out is from the August 2015 edition in the "Wisdom for Creating Happiness and Peace" section.  In the section, Shinichi Yamamoto says to a widowed mother who was worried about the future, "Please don't worry.  As long as you continue exerting yourself in faith, you can definitely become happy.  That's what Buddhism is for.  Also, your current suffering and misfortune exist so that you may fulfill your own unique and noble mission.  Everything will turn to defeat if all you do is worry about your karma and let it make you miserable."  Also he says, "...if someone who had always lived like a queen and enjoyed every luxury were to say, 'I became happy as a result of my Buddhist practice,' no one would bat an eye.  But if a person who is sick, whose family is poor and who is shunned by people because of these things becomes happy through her Buddhist practice and goes on to become a leader in society, this will be splendid proof of the greatness of Nichiren Buddhism."  Finally the most compelling part was when he said, "Viewed from the profound perspective of Buddhism, your suffering is like that portrayed by an brilliant, highly successful stage actress cast in a role of a tragic heroine.  When the play is finished, the actress goes home to a life of ease and comfort.  Your life is the same.  Moreover, the play you are performing on the stage of life's theater is one that will have a happy ending.  There is no need to worry.  You will definitely become happy.  I say this with absolute certainty.  Just as a great actress relishes performing her tragic role, please enact a magnificent drama of human revolution in which you rise triumphantly from the depths of your sorrow...".

I will Sensei