Summer 2017

This has been the best summer I have had in 16 years.  It began the moment my roommate from the previous school year moved out.  By that time, I had already applied for summer housing, and had changed all my experiences from 2004 into a cause to embrace my inner nerd/dweeb.  Without a roommate, I had full free rein to chant nam myoho renge kyo as long as I wanted.  I was worried about how this summer would be for me.  I did not know how I would pay for the housing.  I did not know how I was going to live past the move out date. However there were  two things that were certain.  I did not want to live with either parent again.  I did not want to live in Macon, Georgia again.  With this in mind, I chanted to have faith that's twice the strength of an EF5 in order to overcome my doubts.  I chanted to express gratitude in order to combat my tendency to complain.  I chanted about what I wanted to happen in my future.  I chanted to forgive so many people from my past who had offended me.  This culminated in me chanting for 20-60 minutes a day.  And sometimes I did 120 minutes.  Going off of reading Tina Turner's biographies of how she chanted up to four hours a day after she had initially left Ike, I felt that I should have been chanting for up to three to fours a day.  I just did not have the stamina.  So I did Gongyo 2-x>2 times a day to try to get the same kind of clarity one would accrue from chanting for three to four hours a day.
Of course, I also studied.  I read and reread many Gosho passages, President Daisaku Ikeda's writings, and Iyanla Vanzant's Peace From Broken Pieces: How to Get Through What You're Going Through.  The third book I had bought on an intuitive whim and read actively and damn near religiously.  Through reading that book, I understood that my parents' homophobia, especially my mother's, had a damaging effect on my self-esteem,  and my self-worth.
Even though it took two months, I was able to change all of my experiences from 2005 into a cause to be myself regardless of what anyone thought.  It also motivated me to change the poisons of 2006-2008; 2010-2012; my experiences at my private school and with a teacher whose reviews are ambivalent, my experiences with the Nation of Islam,  the Trayvon Martin case, the Millions More Movement experience, and all my homophobic experiences into causes for being myself, releasing my shame, and being enthusiastic for the 50K in 2018.  Through changing the experiences with my parents into sources of benefit, I  am now up for getting a job that I love, and repaying my debts of gratitude to my voice teacher who honored me more than my own father.  That's why I am back in glee club.  That's how I was able to forgive my parents.  By forgive, I mean that I release my resentment.
Several Soka Gakkai International members who have had discourses with me are familiar with the fact that I sometimes talk about chanting inconspicuous Daimoku.  Ever since I had read Nichiren Daishonin's "Letter to the Lay Priest Domyo" back in March 2016, I have incorporated it into my practice. (Inconspicuous Daimoku is chanting nam myoho renge kyo repeatedly with no goal in mind). I use it as a way to "polish my mirror".  Through doing it, I realized that what connected my parents was the codependent parenting that they were both raised with.  As a result, I was raised with it. And for most of my adulthood, I had a codependent relationship with my mother.  So making the separation from my parents was not a bad move on my part.
In my last blog, I discussed my roommate at the time.  He was one of the best roommates I have had. He motivated me to chant for someone other than myself, and to trust the Gohonzon.  Because of him, and the Daimoku that I chanted, I was able to convince the person in charge of housing to let me stay in my room on campus until school started.  I am a hell of a lot happier than I was before summer started.  Even as I embark on another financial aid battle.

An Unexpected Blessing

This summer has been the best damn summer I have ever had since I was 11.  One of the perks came on June 12, 2017, when a friend resurfaced to celebrate his 20th birthday.  The next time I saw him, he pronounced nam myoho renge kyo correctly after I had shakabuku'ed him about 18 months earlier.  Inside I was over the moon.  On the 15th of June, he texted me saying that he was going to be my roommate for summer school.  My overall response was, "This should be interesting." Turned out, my friend was a better person than ever before.  As a roommate, he has been one of the most damn supportive roommates I have had in two years.  Through chanting for his happiness, I realized that in spite of the 7 year age difference, the fact that I was an only child, and the zodiac sign difference (I'm Capricorn; he's Gemini), we really are alike in temperament, upbringing, and experiences.  The only difference is how we express it.
 He has supported me as I sought to find a way to stay in Atlanta for the summer.  He helped calm me down when I would become frantic at the thought of going back to Macon, Georgia and live with my parents. I would become so frantic that I would claim that death would be better than to live with either them ever again.  I even thought of ending it all should I had to live with them again. My friends in faith, him and qigong helped me to keep those moments of agitation at bay.
On the night of July 11, as the deadline approached, I had another episode.  This time I could see myself telling my mother while she was driving, that I would rather die in an accident than go back to live with her.  That's when I decided to write down how I was feeling.  I did that and read it, and went, "Woah!  If I was to end it all, how would that impact my roommate?"  I looked over at him as he slept, and I thought, "That would devastate him and place another hell of a burden for him to overcome."  Like that.  Thinking about my roommate snapped me out of my frantic thinking and motivated me to choose life.  I chanted to express gratitude for knowing him.  I chanted to express gratitude that he was my roommate.  And I cried tears of gratitude which woke him up.  I told him what had happened and he suggested that I talked to housing.  Before I put head to pillow, I chanted with determination to trust the Gohonzon, even if it meant living in Macon, GA, with my mother again.  Two days later, after much chanting, I felt the urge to go talk to housing.  I went and talked to the person in charge of housing, and she allowed me to stay on campus until school started.  Afterwards, I at first went to my room and spent the first eight minutes crying because I was happy over the result, relieved, and grateful for my roommate.  (Thanks Celine Dion and Christina Aguilera for your singles respectively "Because You Loved Me" and "I Turn to You").
My roommate is my best friend, and my "why".  He motivates me to win in changing my painful past experiences into benefits.  Because for every win I accrue, I am blazing a better trail.  Because of him, I understand the purpose of having a "why" that goes beyond tangible benefits.  Had it been up to me, I more than likely would have ended it all.  I definitely consider this a benefit from all the chanting and the May 2017 contribution.

Epiphany

One of the most interesting experiences I've had chanting nam myoho renge kyo, be it conspicuous chanting (chanting with a goal, desire, need, or feeling of gratitude in mind), or inconspicuous chanting (chanting without a goal,desire,need, or any thought in mind), is that sometimes I receive these intuitive ideas that sometimes result in epiphanies. So yesterday after chanting for x>20 minutes, I instinctively remembered Dr. Brene Brown on Oprah talking about how as a society we have lost our tolerance for vulnerability. As a result, joy has become foreboding. A few of the ways we do it is by numbing ourselves to vulnerability; not fully embracing those joyful moments with the people that we love, and dress rehearsing tragedy. I've had 10 years of practice in dress rehearsing tragedy ever since my paternal grandfather died.
Every time my mother or grandmother called since that day, the first things I have thought, without fail: either someone is hospitalized or someone dead. Especially if either my mother or grandmother had tried calling me several times and I was in class. Another way I dress rehearse tragedy is whenever someone I love or care about has went somewhere that should have taken a short and has been gone for hours. Heaven forbid that they give me a time of return. Because then I am damn sure timing them. And if they haven't returned by then, I'm thinking car accident, assault, abduction, or murder. So I contact them to make sure that they are alive.
Another less paranoid way that I've been dress rehearsing tragedy is not always embracing the moments I have with good friends. For years, I haven't always fully embraced good friends out of fear of a day when that friendship was to come to an end.
Thanks to Dr. Brown, I have learned a better way of dealing with that fear: gratitude. And I'm beginning to do that more for the people that I'm glad to know and have known. Thank you Dr. Brown. Thank you.

Even a Loss Possesses Gain

So sadly I did not accrue enough funds to attend and stay in summer school.  It wasn't from lack of effort though like two years ago.  In fact, two years ago, I would've thought, "Well that was a bust."  To day, I know it wasn't a bust.  I'm actually proud of myself.  I'm proud of myself for choosing to assiduously chant everyday not only for the funds, but to also challenge my doubt; to challenge my feelings of not being worthy; to change years of poison, which stagnated my growth, into medicine; to express gratitude in complaint's stead.  I'm proud of myself for choosing to chant, choosing to study Gosho passages, and choosing to participate in Soka Gakkai International activities, as opposed to just sleeping, chatting on Facebook, and watching YouTube videos all day (basically living Bruno Mars' "Lazy Day" song).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLexgOxsZu0

Through my efforts, I gained benefits such as a new phone charger when my old one was failing, and such as understanding how I wasted a good portion of my youth holding on to a toxic relationship because I was afraid of failure  Also, excerpts of Nichiren Daishonin's words were reinforced into my life.  The one that sticks out is, "When a tree has been transplanted, though fierce winds may blow, it will not topple if it has a firm stake to hold it up.  But even a tree that has grown up in place will fall over if its roots are weak.  Even a feeble person will not stumble if those supporting him are strong, but a person of considerable strength, when alone, may fall down on an uneven path."  WND-1, 598.

What that means is that in Nichiren Buddhism, there are no Optimus Prime's.  There is no Team of Me.  (Sorry Roscoe Jenkins).  In the past few days, this Gosho passage was especially corroborated in the past few days.  I would suffer anxiety attacks so bad that I had to chant to calm down.  I was so saddened by the prospect of going back to Macon, that I had to chant to not throw in the towel on myself and my faith.  Twice I had reached a point of frantic where I claimed that death would be better than to go back to live in Macon, Georgia.  I cannot thank my friends in faith Isaiah and Koichi for encouraging me.
Also, even though I am no longer in summer school, I am in summer housing.  So I can still be around my kosen rufu family.  That's more important than summer school.  If I could give my 25-year-old self a message, it would be this:

It wasn't a bust.  This Buddhist practice is to help people become truly happy in their lifetime.  It's not to just solely be your cosmic Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air; or your Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de la Rosa Ramirez from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody; or your Benson. In fact, having tangible things don't ensure lasting happiness.  If it did, the Lemp family name would not have contained four suicides. I am happier now than I was on May 13, 2017 when I embarked on this undertaking.  And just like Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother, I give myself a self-five.
By the way, as you embark on this faith, I would strongly advise you to read, re-read, and re-read Nichiren Daishonin's "Letter to Lay Priest Domyo". Read it until the pages fall apart.  Then get another volume 1 and read it over and over until you understand that your prayers steer you in the direction of happiness either way the situation turns out. Do not for intellectual purposes. Read it for guidance in faith.

Difficulty Should Not Lead to Defeatism

President Ikeda is quoted saying, "One of my favorite Argentine poets, the great educator Almafuerte (1854-1917), wrote 'To the weak, difficulty is a closed door.  To the strong, however, it is a door waiting to be opened.'  Difficulties impede the progress of those who are weak.  For the strong, however, they are opportunities to open wide the doors to a bright future.  Everything is determined by our attitude, by our resolve.  Our heart is what matters most."  I usually don't start a blog post with an Ikeda quote, however, today, after intermittent chanting that culminated in a total of 13 minutes, I read this quote and it caused me to reflect.  As an adult, I did not have a strong faith in myself.  As a result, I allowed the difficulties of money, rejection, other people's opinions, and my past impede my growth.  The consequences were significant.  To those who are 18-22, the best advice I can give you, as well as myself, is to have, and if you don't have, develop a strong belief in yourself.  This is how I'm doing it.  This summer, I have been chanting diligently over things that I need; things I want; past experiences that I need to convert into medicine; to be a better YMD leader of my district; to forgive a list of people stretching back into the early millenium; and to express gratitude.  A lot of my determinations seem daunting because there is a canyon between where I am and where I want to be.  However whenever doubt arises, I stop everything, and I chant to have faith that is twice the strength of an EF5 (Enhanced category-5 tornado).  This is the power of an EF5

 

Through chanting to have faith twice that strength I shatter my doubts and with that, I proceed with my determinations.  And there are some mornings when I want to ask the god awful question of, "Why me?"  It either passes when I do Gongyo (chant nam myoho renge kyo and recite passages from the Lotus Sutra in Japanese), or read or remember this passage from Nichiren Daishonin's letter, "The Opening of the Eyes":

"Although I and my disciples may encounter various difficulties, if we do not harbor doubts in our hearts, we will as a matter of course attain Buddhahood.  Do not have doubts simply because heaven does not lend you protection.  Do not be discouraged because you do not enjoy an easy and secure existence in this life.  This is what I have taught my disciples morning and evening, and yet they begin to harbor doubts and abandon their faith.  Foolish men are likely to forget the promises they made when the crucial moment comes."

WND-1, 283

As I write this Gosho quote, I am reminded of all the times I used to bemoan my existence and my estate.  Doing that definitely helped to weaken my belief in myself and stunt my growth. So for everyone, including myself, let's not let our difficulties stagnate us.  Personally, the last thing I want is to be in my 50s, with unfilled ambitions, and more excuses than a pregnant nun.

Forgiveness: An Ongoing Battle

This is not going to be a victory.  I'm just sharing this with you all in the hopes that maybe it will assist you in your life, as well as myself.  I have been chanting nam myoho renge kyo with determination to forgive parents for some time now.  As I do so, I have to constantly remind myself of the real definition of forgiveness.  For those who don't know, forgiveness really means to let go of the resentment.  In a nutshell.  Let go of the resentment.  Forgiveness is not saying that what someone did to you was okay.  It was never a way of saying that what somebody did was okay.
        For over a decade, I have heard so many blacks criticize other black people for being forgiving.  Especially if the assailant was white.  I even heard it from my own mother.  However, through chanting nam myoho renge kyo to forgive my parents, and several other people from my past, I am beginning to think a hell of a lot clearer.  This is quite evidential of Nichiren Daishonin's writings when he wrote "A mind now clouded by the illusions of the innate darkness of life is like a tarnished mirror, but when polished, it is sure to become like a clear mirror, reflecting the essential nature of phenomena and the true aspect of reality.  Arouse deep faith, and diligently polish your mirror day and night.  How should you polish it?  Only by chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo." (WND-1, 4).
        For those critics, and myself because I'd internalized it, forgiveness is not weak.  Forgiveness is strong.  The opposite of forgiveness is resentment, or as some would call it bitterness.  Resentment (Bitterness) is not strong.  It's self-inflicted poison.  It poisons your relationships.  It wrecks your health.  It alienates the people in your life.  Notice that I am saying your life.  It's not wrecking your assailant(s)' lives.  It's wrecking your life.
        For those of you who are religious, resentment (bitterness) restricts your manifold benefits (blessings) to trinkets.  As far health goes, when you are resentful (bitter), that's you dealing with headaches, ulcers, colitis, constipation, hypertension, insomnia, etc.  As far as relationships go, not just romantic, but also platonic, people usually don't like being around resentful people.  I lived with one for 27 years, which speaks volumes to my tendency to be resentful (bitter). Growing up, whenever I had an issue with friendships, I felt that I could not go to that person for advice.  I could, but after listening to them talk about other interpersonal related issues, the last thing I wanted was a vitriolic, toughen up, to hell with them kind of message. (Side note: for those who are parents, there are children who have extra sensory perception, and they can and will pick up on your virulence.  I was one of those.).
        For "activists", especially pro-blacks, resentment (bitterness) will poison your initiatives.  I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have read many pro-black comments and posts, listened to pro-black vlogs and lectures that turned out to be defeatist whiny ass manifestos.  The good ones laid blame on black LGBT, and black women who did not look like a 1974 Angela Davis.  And the best ones had conspiracy theories.  Maybe this is corroborative of the fact that resentment (bitterness) just gives you an excuse to shift the blame for your misery.
       Also activists, your resentment (bitterness) will keep you from changing poison into medicine.  Before the late Mamie Till-Mobley, mother of Emmett Till, had made the decision to have her son's battered and mangled 14-year-old corpse exposed for the world to see what had happened to him, she had to forgive Roy Bryant and J.W. Milam.  She said so at her last appearance.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Q3ZOCjkEwY&t=55s
While it never brought Emmett back, or took away the vicious assault he suffered on the basis of a lie, Mamie was able to go on with her life and influence so many young people as a teacher.  And her decision was the catalyst for the Civil Rights movement to really score victories for African Americans in the U.S.A.  That's an activist move for you.
       For me personally, resentment has caused me to take for granted opportunities that came my way.  It was another reason why my growth in my early to mid-twenties were restricted.  Just so you all know, resentment is not a shield against future hurts.  It just robs you of future opportunities.  You will find yourself being the person Greyson Chance was singing about in his song "Waiting Outside the Lines".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AU1yyy_At4

And as I write this blog, the Iyanla Vanzant quote is really validated, "There is no greater battle in life than the battle between the parts of you that want to be healed and the parts of you that are comfortable and content being broken."

For those who still wish to contend that forgiveness is bunk and for the weak after reading this, well that's your choice.  However I think both of our lives are far too great to allow atrophy to set in because we were too stubborn to change.

Bad Karma Is Like Failure: It's Not a Finality

This morning I was doing my morning chanting of nam myho renge kyo when I was reminded of how many people in the U.S.A. think of karma.  One way is seen in our daily lives, we have heard people say, tweet, and comment, "Karma is a bitch!" whenever a horrible act is greeted upon someone who is known for partaking in similar disreputable activities.  Case in point, when Suge Knight was shot, that was the response of people in light of his history of violence.  The other way is when people hear the Buddhist perspective of karma in which one's current effects are a byproduct of causes in one's past and past lifetimes.  Upon hearing that, there are many who react with ire or defeatism.  I did the former for a long time.
I will focus on the second U.S.A. view of karma.  As I grew to understand the benefits of chanting nam myoho renge kyo, one of the benefits that I was told by seniors in faith (those who have been practicing since the 1960s, 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s) was that I could change my karma.  Eventually through chanting and study (not for intellectual purposes, but for understanding), it sunk in that obstacles and difficulties are opportunities to change one's karma.  Understanding that was groundbreaking for me, being someone who prefer things to go smoothly and securely with the least amount of resistance possible.
While my karma has not totally changed, I notice a transformation comparing where I am now and where I was a junior at Norfolk State.  I notice a transformation comparing how I felt about high school back in 2014 and 2017.  Had I not picked up this practice, I would have been destined to devolve deeper into self-loathing, addiction, and eventually self-destruction.  I was destined to be like Phil Spector (before the Lana Clarkson murder): famous and lonely egomaniac. Nichiren Daishonin wrote in his letter "On Prayer": It makes no difference if the practitioner himself is lacking in worth, defective in wisdom, impure in his person and lacking virtue derived from observing the precepts.  So long as he chants Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, they will invariably protect him.  One does not throw away gold because the bag that holds it is dirty;one does not ignore the sandalwood trees because of the foul odor of the eranda trees around them; and one does not refuse to gather lotuses because the pond in the valley where they grow is not clean."
You might look at your current karma and think that it's some shit. (It's okay.  I did it before too).   However, through chanting nam myoho renge kyo, you will change your karma,  If you chant nam myoho renge kyo diligently, you will look back on this day and realize how you had changed your destiny for the better.  Bad karma is like failure.  If failure is not final, then bad karma is not final.  Therefore bad karma is not final.

Things Fall Apart

By intuition, I bought Iyanla Vanzant's book Peace From Broken Pieces.  I'm not finished reading it, but so far the book has caused me to assess my own life.  What I now realize was that my life did not fall apart in 2013.  It began to fall apart in 2010, the moment I confronted the reality that I was attracted to the same sex.  Through my parents, and their circle, I had been given the message that to be gay was the most contemptuous thing to ever be.  To be gay was like being a leper or an untouchable in a caste system.

 For years, I believed being attracted to the same sex determined what I could or could not be.  I believed that I could not remain the same young man who loved country music, because country music talked about love and family; and I had been conditioned to believe that love was between man and woman and that family was having children, biological or surrogate.  I believed that I could never make my parents proud ever again, because I had been conditioned to believe that no matter what amazing things people did, to love the same sex was like an ink splotch on a white tapestry.  I believed that I would never become happy, because 90% of the narratives of homosexuals that I had heard of either died from AIDS complications, was murdered, or assaulted in one way or another.

With that message, which really wrecked my self-esteem, I began to devolve, with every slight and with every tragedy. Now add to this, an adolescence of being shamed, bullied, and physically and emotionally abused.  My behavior at Norfolk State began to go South.  My maturity level stalled.

That is how I went from a 19-year-old promising young man going off to college, to a 23-year-old man still living with his mother and with not much to show the years he had been in college.  (Talk about peeling back layers).  And while my life hasn't been fully rebuilt, I can truly say that I love this new foundation.  This new foundation is nam myoho renge kyo.  This new foundation says that life s worth more than gold.  This new foundation is built on the awareness of being a part of Myoho-renge-kyo, and being Myoho-renge-kyo.  This new foundation is built on the dragon king's daughter proving that one can attain Buddhahood (becoming truly happy) in this lifetime.  This new foundation is built upon the knowledge of an infinite connection with the World Honored One that has spanned lifetime after lifetime.  This new foundation is built on changing poison into medicine.

Realization Inundation #2

I write these blogs in the hopes that maybe my experiences in faith will help someone else in their Buddhist practice, or maybe encourage others to take faith in chanting nam myoho renge kyo.  So today before my Chinese class, I had another realization.  For a long time, I thought that my unique character was a curse, because most of the narratives of unique people that I had read about turned out to have tragic endings.  People like W. A. Mozart, John Lennon, Janis Joplin, etc.  So for years, I had despised my existence.  I hated myself for not being like everyone else.  I hated myself for my nature.  So I did not believe that I deserved to be happy;  that I deserved a great romantic relationship; that i deserved a sense of fulfillment; that I deserved to be loved; that I deserved a good life; that I deserved a happy ending.  How tragic!  To spend so many years slandering my Buddha nature.  Now I understand what the World Honored One meant in the 16th chapter of The Lotus Sutra when he talked about the children being so sick and so delusional that they rejected his medicine.  Ignorace is one hell of a poison.

Realization Inundation #1

For months I have been chanting nam myoho renge kyo to change some painful aspects of my past into sources of benefit.  This morning when I woke up, I was reminded of something that TV personality, author, life coach, New Age spiritual leader Iyanla Vanzant said in her speech "Peace from Broken Pieces": When you live beyond what you think you can, should, or need to, you will blow your life up.  She recalled the time when she was fired from her talk show job with Buena Vista in 2001, and how 15 years earlier she was on welfare in the Projects.  After her termination from her job, Iyanla Vanzant realized that the woman that she was in the Projects did not believe that she deserved to be on TV, because that woman was  "friends with the voices from her past".  (For those who do not know, Iyanla had a troubled childhood plagued with abuse and denigration.  So the voices from the past are the words of the people who had abused and belittled her).
In relation to my own life, I realize that I was the same way.  The 21-year-old me at Norfolk State did not think that he deserved a choral scholarship, because that was going against his mother's urging that he stuck to playing the piano.  And because he did not think that he deserved it, he began to do things that he normally would not do like be late for a call time, and miss the final and salient performance of the school year due to bad communication.  The 23-year-old me did not think that he deserved to be at college #2 because he was openly gay, which flew right in the face of an expectation that he had in his teenage years to not be a black male stereotype (miscreant, unreliable, in a relationship with someone of another race, or a homosexual), and did not have a bachelor's like the rest of his former classmates.  I felt that I deserved nothing.  And because of this, that college  was a bust.  The voices that those two gentlemen were listening to were the voices of their parents' shaming and homophobic rhetoric.  Homophobia is a very detrimental and deleterious fundamental darkness.

My LGBTQ Experience: Whilst in the Midst of Winter

On the first Day of Kwanzaa, Umoja, in 2016 (December 26), the question was asked: what Macon, Georgia natives should do in order to promote unity?  I summoned up the courage, went to the microphone and said that there should be an embracing of Black people who were not Christian, Muslim, or Jew, and the Black LGBTQ.  The first one received much applause.  The second one did not.  I later explained to the host and his sons my reasons for doing that.  They understood.  My mother was upset to no end.  We argued about it that night.  No matter how much I explained it, she still said that it was wrong and unnecessary.  Needless to say, I was glad to be leaving Macon and going back to school.  However, I was still so upset about what had happened and the stress began to interfere with my schoolwork.  A lot of people said to give my mother time.  She would come around.  I've waited since I was 20 when I had told her that I liked men.  Since I was 20, Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed; then president Obama expressed his approval of same-sex marriage; DOMA was repealed; Prop 8 in California was repealed; same sex marriage became legal in all 50 states.  So I thought, "How much longer does she need?  Will I have crow's feet by the time she comes around?  Or will I have to become another LGBTQ suicide statistic like Bobby Griffith?  Also, I was afraid that my parent problems and family karma would negatively impact and poison my romantic relationships.  Upon thinking that it might take for my mother to come around, I decided that it's time to begin severing my relationship with both parents after years of abuse and reinforced homophobia and shame.  On February 16, I received mail from my mother.  In it contained a homophobic article about how black men were being feminized.  The next day, I let my parents know that I wanted no further contact with them unless it was major news concerning my family.  Eventually, I decided to put the changing poison into medicine concept into practice, and chanted nam myoho renge kyo to turn my homophobic experiences into sources of benefit.  The following Sunday, I understood the impact of being another suicide statistic.  I realized that even if it did wake my mother up, it would come at the expense of hundreds if not thousands of people I've encountered being devastated.  Eventually, an idea came to me to chant to value my own life like it's $1,000,000.  (Of course when inflation happens, that number is going to go up).  One of the reasons that many LGBTQ youth leave a homophobic home or environment, move to a more accepting place, but yet descend a path of self-destruction and at times suicide is because after years of reinforced shame and maltreatment because of their sexual orientation, they internalize it and don't begin to value their lives.  As a result, they are in a different place, with the same mindset; thus they continue the devaluing of their lives.  There are moments when I feel overwhelmed by the homophobia, however I fight it through studying either The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin Volume 1, The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin Volume 2, or the  Living Buddhism editions from May 2015 to February 2017.  What sticks out is from the August 2015 edition in the "Wisdom for Creating Happiness and Peace" section.  In the section, Shinichi Yamamoto says to a widowed mother who was worried about the future, "Please don't worry.  As long as you continue exerting yourself in faith, you can definitely become happy.  That's what Buddhism is for.  Also, your current suffering and misfortune exist so that you may fulfill your own unique and noble mission.  Everything will turn to defeat if all you do is worry about your karma and let it make you miserable."  Also he says, "...if someone who had always lived like a queen and enjoyed every luxury were to say, 'I became happy as a result of my Buddhist practice,' no one would bat an eye.  But if a person who is sick, whose family is poor and who is shunned by people because of these things becomes happy through her Buddhist practice and goes on to become a leader in society, this will be splendid proof of the greatness of Nichiren Buddhism."  Finally the most compelling part was when he said, "Viewed from the profound perspective of Buddhism, your suffering is like that portrayed by an brilliant, highly successful stage actress cast in a role of a tragic heroine.  When the play is finished, the actress goes home to a life of ease and comfort.  Your life is the same.  Moreover, the play you are performing on the stage of life's theater is one that will have a happy ending.  There is no need to worry.  You will definitely become happy.  I say this with absolute certainty.  Just as a great actress relishes performing her tragic role, please enact a magnificent drama of human revolution in which you rise triumphantly from the depths of your sorrow...".

I will Sensei

My High School Experience

My high school experience (2004-2008) was one of being lonely, and physically and emotionally bullied.  I tried forgiving, but the pain persisted for seven years. Finally in 2015, I had heard of the concept of chanting nam myoho renge kyo for the happiness of people, especially those who hurt you.  I decided to give it a try in December of that year.  As I chanted for the happiness for them, initially I began to realize that the people who bullied me were not monsters.  They were just horribly misguided and mercurial teenagers like myself.  They were just acting out of ignorance.  Then I realized that I caused a lot of my own suffering due to my feelings of superiority and homophobia.   As I chanted, not only did I have these realizations, but the anger withered and I began to let go of pain that I had carried for 7-11 years. As my internal life began to change for the better, so did my external life.  I began to forge connections with people who initially had an aversion to me.  I began to be more understanding of people. And I began to really move on from high school.  Also, I began to change my karma.  In the sense that because my thoughts changed, my words toward people who hurt me became less derisive, less denigrating, and less virulent.  Because of  the change in my words, I handle situations that mirror the actions of those who hurt me, with more wisdom, compassion, and chanting for their happiness.  Because of the change in my actions, I am making chanting for the happiness of people a habit.  This has definitely benefited my character, and will continue to, and will benefit my destiny.  Nichiren wrote to Munenaka and Munenaga in the letter "Letter to the Brothers" on  page 497 of The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin Volume 1, "The blessings gained by practicing the correct teaching, however, are so great that by meeting minor sufferings in this life we can change the karma that destines us to suffer terribly in the future." I am convinced that had I not changed that karma, I would've been destined to a life of chaos, loneliness, and self-destruction.