One of the most interesting experiences I've had chanting nam myoho renge kyo, be it conspicuous chanting (chanting with a goal, desire, need, or feeling of gratitude in mind), or inconspicuous chanting (chanting without a goal,desire,need, or any thought in mind), is that sometimes I receive these intuitive ideas that sometimes result in epiphanies. So yesterday after chanting for x>20 minutes, I instinctively remembered Dr. Brene Brown on Oprah talking about how as a society we have lost our tolerance for vulnerability. As a result, joy has become foreboding. A few of the ways we do it is by numbing ourselves to vulnerability; not fully embracing those joyful moments with the people that we love, and dress rehearsing tragedy. I've had 10 years of practice in dress rehearsing tragedy ever since my paternal grandfather died.
Every time my mother or grandmother called since that day, the first things I have thought, without fail: either someone is hospitalized or someone dead. Especially if either my mother or grandmother had tried calling me several times and I was in class. Another way I dress rehearse tragedy is whenever someone I love or care about has went somewhere that should have taken a short and has been gone for hours. Heaven forbid that they give me a time of return. Because then I am damn sure timing them. And if they haven't returned by then, I'm thinking car accident, assault, abduction, or murder. So I contact them to make sure that they are alive.
Another less paranoid way that I've been dress rehearsing tragedy is not always embracing the moments I have with good friends. For years, I haven't always fully embraced good friends out of fear of a day when that friendship was to come to an end.
Thanks to Dr. Brown, I have learned a better way of dealing with that fear: gratitude. And I'm beginning to do that more for the people that I'm glad to know and have known. Thank you Dr. Brown. Thank you.
Sunday, June 25, 2017
Thursday, June 22, 2017
Even a Loss Possesses Gain
So sadly I did not accrue enough funds to attend and stay in summer school. It wasn't from lack of effort though like two years ago. In fact, two years ago, I would've thought, "Well that was a bust." To day, I know it wasn't a bust. I'm actually proud of myself. I'm proud of myself for choosing to assiduously chant everyday not only for the funds, but to also challenge my doubt; to challenge my feelings of not being worthy; to change years of poison, which stagnated my growth, into medicine; to express gratitude in complaint's stead. I'm proud of myself for choosing to chant, choosing to study Gosho passages, and choosing to participate in Soka Gakkai International activities, as opposed to just sleeping, chatting on Facebook, and watching YouTube videos all day (basically living Bruno Mars' "Lazy Day" song).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLexgOxsZu0
Through my efforts, I gained benefits such as a new phone charger when my old one was failing, and such as understanding how I wasted a good portion of my youth holding on to a toxic relationship because I was afraid of failure Also, excerpts of Nichiren Daishonin's words were reinforced into my life. The one that sticks out is, "When a tree has been transplanted, though fierce winds may blow, it will not topple if it has a firm stake to hold it up. But even a tree that has grown up in place will fall over if its roots are weak. Even a feeble person will not stumble if those supporting him are strong, but a person of considerable strength, when alone, may fall down on an uneven path." WND-1, 598.
What that means is that in Nichiren Buddhism, there are no Optimus Prime's. There is no Team of Me. (Sorry Roscoe Jenkins). In the past few days, this Gosho passage was especially corroborated in the past few days. I would suffer anxiety attacks so bad that I had to chant to calm down. I was so saddened by the prospect of going back to Macon, that I had to chant to not throw in the towel on myself and my faith. Twice I had reached a point of frantic where I claimed that death would be better than to go back to live in Macon, Georgia. I cannot thank my friends in faith Isaiah and Koichi for encouraging me.
Also, even though I am no longer in summer school, I am in summer housing. So I can still be around my kosen rufu family. That's more important than summer school. If I could give my 25-year-old self a message, it would be this:
It wasn't a bust. This Buddhist practice is to help people become truly happy in their lifetime. It's not to just solely be your cosmic Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air; or your Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de la Rosa Ramirez from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody; or your Benson. In fact, having tangible things don't ensure lasting happiness. If it did, the Lemp family name would not have contained four suicides. I am happier now than I was on May 13, 2017 when I embarked on this undertaking. And just like Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother, I give myself a self-five.
By the way, as you embark on this faith, I would strongly advise you to read, re-read, and re-read Nichiren Daishonin's "Letter to Lay Priest Domyo". Read it until the pages fall apart. Then get another volume 1 and read it over and over until you understand that your prayers steer you in the direction of happiness either way the situation turns out. Do not for intellectual purposes. Read it for guidance in faith.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLexgOxsZu0
Through my efforts, I gained benefits such as a new phone charger when my old one was failing, and such as understanding how I wasted a good portion of my youth holding on to a toxic relationship because I was afraid of failure Also, excerpts of Nichiren Daishonin's words were reinforced into my life. The one that sticks out is, "When a tree has been transplanted, though fierce winds may blow, it will not topple if it has a firm stake to hold it up. But even a tree that has grown up in place will fall over if its roots are weak. Even a feeble person will not stumble if those supporting him are strong, but a person of considerable strength, when alone, may fall down on an uneven path." WND-1, 598.
What that means is that in Nichiren Buddhism, there are no Optimus Prime's. There is no Team of Me. (Sorry Roscoe Jenkins). In the past few days, this Gosho passage was especially corroborated in the past few days. I would suffer anxiety attacks so bad that I had to chant to calm down. I was so saddened by the prospect of going back to Macon, that I had to chant to not throw in the towel on myself and my faith. Twice I had reached a point of frantic where I claimed that death would be better than to go back to live in Macon, Georgia. I cannot thank my friends in faith Isaiah and Koichi for encouraging me.
Also, even though I am no longer in summer school, I am in summer housing. So I can still be around my kosen rufu family. That's more important than summer school. If I could give my 25-year-old self a message, it would be this:
It wasn't a bust. This Buddhist practice is to help people become truly happy in their lifetime. It's not to just solely be your cosmic Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air; or your Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de la Rosa Ramirez from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody; or your Benson. In fact, having tangible things don't ensure lasting happiness. If it did, the Lemp family name would not have contained four suicides. I am happier now than I was on May 13, 2017 when I embarked on this undertaking. And just like Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother, I give myself a self-five.
By the way, as you embark on this faith, I would strongly advise you to read, re-read, and re-read Nichiren Daishonin's "Letter to Lay Priest Domyo". Read it until the pages fall apart. Then get another volume 1 and read it over and over until you understand that your prayers steer you in the direction of happiness either way the situation turns out. Do not for intellectual purposes. Read it for guidance in faith.
Friday, June 16, 2017
Difficulty Should Not Lead to Defeatism
President Ikeda is quoted saying, "One of my favorite Argentine poets, the great educator Almafuerte (1854-1917), wrote 'To the weak, difficulty is a closed door. To the strong, however, it is a door waiting to be opened.' Difficulties impede the progress of those who are weak. For the strong, however, they are opportunities to open wide the doors to a bright future. Everything is determined by our attitude, by our resolve. Our heart is what matters most." I usually don't start a blog post with an Ikeda quote, however, today, after intermittent chanting that culminated in a total of 13 minutes, I read this quote and it caused me to reflect. As an adult, I did not have a strong faith in myself. As a result, I allowed the difficulties of money, rejection, other people's opinions, and my past impede my growth. The consequences were significant. To those who are 18-22, the best advice I can give you, as well as myself, is to have, and if you don't have, develop a strong belief in yourself. This is how I'm doing it. This summer, I have been chanting diligently over things that I need; things I want; past experiences that I need to convert into medicine; to be a better YMD leader of my district; to forgive a list of people stretching back into the early millenium; and to express gratitude. A lot of my determinations seem daunting because there is a canyon between where I am and where I want to be. However whenever doubt arises, I stop everything, and I chant to have faith that is twice the strength of an EF5 (Enhanced category-5 tornado). This is the power of an EF5
Through chanting to have faith twice that strength I shatter my doubts and with that, I proceed with my determinations. And there are some mornings when I want to ask the god awful question of, "Why me?" It either passes when I do Gongyo (chant nam myoho renge kyo and recite passages from the Lotus Sutra in Japanese), or read or remember this passage from Nichiren Daishonin's letter, "The Opening of the Eyes":
"Although I and my disciples may encounter various difficulties, if we do not harbor doubts in our hearts, we will as a matter of course attain Buddhahood. Do not have doubts simply because heaven does not lend you protection. Do not be discouraged because you do not enjoy an easy and secure existence in this life. This is what I have taught my disciples morning and evening, and yet they begin to harbor doubts and abandon their faith. Foolish men are likely to forget the promises they made when the crucial moment comes."
WND-1, 283
As I write this Gosho quote, I am reminded of all the times I used to bemoan my existence and my estate. Doing that definitely helped to weaken my belief in myself and stunt my growth. So for everyone, including myself, let's not let our difficulties stagnate us. Personally, the last thing I want is to be in my 50s, with unfilled ambitions, and more excuses than a pregnant nun.
Sunday, June 11, 2017
Forgiveness: An Ongoing Battle
This is not going to be a victory. I'm just sharing this with you all in the hopes that maybe it will assist you in your life, as well as myself. I have been chanting nam myoho renge kyo with determination to forgive parents for some time now. As I do so, I have to constantly remind myself of the real definition of forgiveness. For those who don't know, forgiveness really means to let go of the resentment. In a nutshell. Let go of the resentment. Forgiveness is not saying that what someone did to you was okay. It was never a way of saying that what somebody did was okay.
For over a decade, I have heard so many blacks criticize other black people for being forgiving. Especially if the assailant was white. I even heard it from my own mother. However, through chanting nam myoho renge kyo to forgive my parents, and several other people from my past, I am beginning to think a hell of a lot clearer. This is quite evidential of Nichiren Daishonin's writings when he wrote "A mind now clouded by the illusions of the innate darkness of life is like a tarnished mirror, but when polished, it is sure to become like a clear mirror, reflecting the essential nature of phenomena and the true aspect of reality. Arouse deep faith, and diligently polish your mirror day and night. How should you polish it? Only by chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo." (WND-1, 4).
For those critics, and myself because I'd internalized it, forgiveness is not weak. Forgiveness is strong. The opposite of forgiveness is resentment, or as some would call it bitterness. Resentment (Bitterness) is not strong. It's self-inflicted poison. It poisons your relationships. It wrecks your health. It alienates the people in your life. Notice that I am saying your life. It's not wrecking your assailant(s)' lives. It's wrecking your life.
For those of you who are religious, resentment (bitterness) restricts your manifold benefits (blessings) to trinkets. As far health goes, when you are resentful (bitter), that's you dealing with headaches, ulcers, colitis, constipation, hypertension, insomnia, etc. As far as relationships go, not just romantic, but also platonic, people usually don't like being around resentful people. I lived with one for 27 years, which speaks volumes to my tendency to be resentful (bitter). Growing up, whenever I had an issue with friendships, I felt that I could not go to that person for advice. I could, but after listening to them talk about other interpersonal related issues, the last thing I wanted was a vitriolic, toughen up, to hell with them kind of message. (Side note: for those who are parents, there are children who have extra sensory perception, and they can and will pick up on your virulence. I was one of those.).
For "activists", especially pro-blacks, resentment (bitterness) will poison your initiatives. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have read many pro-black comments and posts, listened to pro-black vlogs and lectures that turned out to be defeatist whiny ass manifestos. The good ones laid blame on black LGBT, and black women who did not look like a 1974 Angela Davis. And the best ones had conspiracy theories. Maybe this is corroborative of the fact that resentment (bitterness) just gives you an excuse to shift the blame for your misery.
Also activists, your resentment (bitterness) will keep you from changing poison into medicine. Before the late Mamie Till-Mobley, mother of Emmett Till, had made the decision to have her son's battered and mangled 14-year-old corpse exposed for the world to see what had happened to him, she had to forgive Roy Bryant and J.W. Milam. She said so at her last appearance.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Q3ZOCjkEwY&t=55s
While it never brought Emmett back, or took away the vicious assault he suffered on the basis of a lie, Mamie was able to go on with her life and influence so many young people as a teacher. And her decision was the catalyst for the Civil Rights movement to really score victories for African Americans in the U.S.A. That's an activist move for you.
For me personally, resentment has caused me to take for granted opportunities that came my way. It was another reason why my growth in my early to mid-twenties were restricted. Just so you all know, resentment is not a shield against future hurts. It just robs you of future opportunities. You will find yourself being the person Greyson Chance was singing about in his song "Waiting Outside the Lines".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AU1yyy_At4
And as I write this blog, the Iyanla Vanzant quote is really validated, "There is no greater battle in life than the battle between the parts of you that want to be healed and the parts of you that are comfortable and content being broken."
For those who still wish to contend that forgiveness is bunk and for the weak after reading this, well that's your choice. However I think both of our lives are far too great to allow atrophy to set in because we were too stubborn to change.
For over a decade, I have heard so many blacks criticize other black people for being forgiving. Especially if the assailant was white. I even heard it from my own mother. However, through chanting nam myoho renge kyo to forgive my parents, and several other people from my past, I am beginning to think a hell of a lot clearer. This is quite evidential of Nichiren Daishonin's writings when he wrote "A mind now clouded by the illusions of the innate darkness of life is like a tarnished mirror, but when polished, it is sure to become like a clear mirror, reflecting the essential nature of phenomena and the true aspect of reality. Arouse deep faith, and diligently polish your mirror day and night. How should you polish it? Only by chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo." (WND-1, 4).
For those critics, and myself because I'd internalized it, forgiveness is not weak. Forgiveness is strong. The opposite of forgiveness is resentment, or as some would call it bitterness. Resentment (Bitterness) is not strong. It's self-inflicted poison. It poisons your relationships. It wrecks your health. It alienates the people in your life. Notice that I am saying your life. It's not wrecking your assailant(s)' lives. It's wrecking your life.
For those of you who are religious, resentment (bitterness) restricts your manifold benefits (blessings) to trinkets. As far health goes, when you are resentful (bitter), that's you dealing with headaches, ulcers, colitis, constipation, hypertension, insomnia, etc. As far as relationships go, not just romantic, but also platonic, people usually don't like being around resentful people. I lived with one for 27 years, which speaks volumes to my tendency to be resentful (bitter). Growing up, whenever I had an issue with friendships, I felt that I could not go to that person for advice. I could, but after listening to them talk about other interpersonal related issues, the last thing I wanted was a vitriolic, toughen up, to hell with them kind of message. (Side note: for those who are parents, there are children who have extra sensory perception, and they can and will pick up on your virulence. I was one of those.).
For "activists", especially pro-blacks, resentment (bitterness) will poison your initiatives. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have read many pro-black comments and posts, listened to pro-black vlogs and lectures that turned out to be defeatist whiny ass manifestos. The good ones laid blame on black LGBT, and black women who did not look like a 1974 Angela Davis. And the best ones had conspiracy theories. Maybe this is corroborative of the fact that resentment (bitterness) just gives you an excuse to shift the blame for your misery.
Also activists, your resentment (bitterness) will keep you from changing poison into medicine. Before the late Mamie Till-Mobley, mother of Emmett Till, had made the decision to have her son's battered and mangled 14-year-old corpse exposed for the world to see what had happened to him, she had to forgive Roy Bryant and J.W. Milam. She said so at her last appearance.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Q3ZOCjkEwY&t=55s
While it never brought Emmett back, or took away the vicious assault he suffered on the basis of a lie, Mamie was able to go on with her life and influence so many young people as a teacher. And her decision was the catalyst for the Civil Rights movement to really score victories for African Americans in the U.S.A. That's an activist move for you.
For me personally, resentment has caused me to take for granted opportunities that came my way. It was another reason why my growth in my early to mid-twenties were restricted. Just so you all know, resentment is not a shield against future hurts. It just robs you of future opportunities. You will find yourself being the person Greyson Chance was singing about in his song "Waiting Outside the Lines".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AU1yyy_At4
And as I write this blog, the Iyanla Vanzant quote is really validated, "There is no greater battle in life than the battle between the parts of you that want to be healed and the parts of you that are comfortable and content being broken."
For those who still wish to contend that forgiveness is bunk and for the weak after reading this, well that's your choice. However I think both of our lives are far too great to allow atrophy to set in because we were too stubborn to change.
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