This has been the best summer I have had in 16 years. It began the moment my roommate from the previous school year moved out. By that time, I had already applied for summer housing, and had changed all my experiences from 2004 into a cause to embrace my inner nerd/dweeb. Without a roommate, I had full free rein to chant nam myoho renge kyo as long as I wanted. I was worried about how this summer would be for me. I did not know how I would pay for the housing. I did not know how I was going to live past the move out date. However there were two things that were certain. I did not want to live with either parent again. I did not want to live in Macon, Georgia again. With this in mind, I chanted to have faith that's twice the strength of an EF5 in order to overcome my doubts. I chanted to express gratitude in order to combat my tendency to complain. I chanted about what I wanted to happen in my future. I chanted to forgive so many people from my past who had offended me. This culminated in me chanting for 20-60 minutes a day. And sometimes I did 120 minutes. Going off of reading Tina Turner's biographies of how she chanted up to four hours a day after she had initially left Ike, I felt that I should have been chanting for up to three to fours a day. I just did not have the stamina. So I did Gongyo 2-x>2 times a day to try to get the same kind of clarity one would accrue from chanting for three to four hours a day.
Of course, I also studied. I read and reread many Gosho passages, President Daisaku Ikeda's writings, and Iyanla Vanzant's Peace From Broken Pieces: How to Get Through What You're Going Through. The third book I had bought on an intuitive whim and read actively and damn near religiously. Through reading that book, I understood that my parents' homophobia, especially my mother's, had a damaging effect on my self-esteem, and my self-worth.
Even though it took two months, I was able to change all of my experiences from 2005 into a cause to be myself regardless of what anyone thought. It also motivated me to change the poisons of 2006-2008; 2010-2012; my experiences at my private school and with a teacher whose reviews are ambivalent, my experiences with the Nation of Islam, the Trayvon Martin case, the Millions More Movement experience, and all my homophobic experiences into causes for being myself, releasing my shame, and being enthusiastic for the 50K in 2018. Through changing the experiences with my parents into sources of benefit, I am now up for getting a job that I love, and repaying my debts of gratitude to my voice teacher who honored me more than my own father. That's why I am back in glee club. That's how I was able to forgive my parents. By forgive, I mean that I release my resentment.
Several Soka Gakkai International members who have had discourses with me are familiar with the fact that I sometimes talk about chanting inconspicuous Daimoku. Ever since I had read Nichiren Daishonin's "Letter to the Lay Priest Domyo" back in March 2016, I have incorporated it into my practice. (Inconspicuous Daimoku is chanting nam myoho renge kyo repeatedly with no goal in mind). I use it as a way to "polish my mirror". Through doing it, I realized that what connected my parents was the codependent parenting that they were both raised with. As a result, I was raised with it. And for most of my adulthood, I had a codependent relationship with my mother. So making the separation from my parents was not a bad move on my part.
In my last blog, I discussed my roommate at the time. He was one of the best roommates I have had. He motivated me to chant for someone other than myself, and to trust the Gohonzon. Because of him, and the Daimoku that I chanted, I was able to convince the person in charge of housing to let me stay in my room on campus until school started. I am a hell of a lot happier than I was before summer started. Even as I embark on another financial aid battle.
