So sadly I did not accrue enough funds to attend and stay in summer school. It wasn't from lack of effort though like two years ago. In fact, two years ago, I would've thought, "Well that was a bust." To day, I know it wasn't a bust. I'm actually proud of myself. I'm proud of myself for choosing to assiduously chant everyday not only for the funds, but to also challenge my doubt; to challenge my feelings of not being worthy; to change years of poison, which stagnated my growth, into medicine; to express gratitude in complaint's stead. I'm proud of myself for choosing to chant, choosing to study Gosho passages, and choosing to participate in Soka Gakkai International activities, as opposed to just sleeping, chatting on Facebook, and watching YouTube videos all day (basically living Bruno Mars' "Lazy Day" song).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLexgOxsZu0
Through my efforts, I gained benefits such as a new phone charger when my old one was failing, and such as understanding how I wasted a good portion of my youth holding on to a toxic relationship because I was afraid of failure Also, excerpts of Nichiren Daishonin's words were reinforced into my life. The one that sticks out is, "When a tree has been transplanted, though fierce winds may blow, it will not topple if it has a firm stake to hold it up. But even a tree that has grown up in place will fall over if its roots are weak. Even a feeble person will not stumble if those supporting him are strong, but a person of considerable strength, when alone, may fall down on an uneven path." WND-1, 598.
What that means is that in Nichiren Buddhism, there are no Optimus Prime's. There is no Team of Me. (Sorry Roscoe Jenkins). In the past few days, this Gosho passage was especially corroborated in the past few days. I would suffer anxiety attacks so bad that I had to chant to calm down. I was so saddened by the prospect of going back to Macon, that I had to chant to not throw in the towel on myself and my faith. Twice I had reached a point of frantic where I claimed that death would be better than to go back to live in Macon, Georgia. I cannot thank my friends in faith Isaiah and Koichi for encouraging me.
Also, even though I am no longer in summer school, I am in summer housing. So I can still be around my kosen rufu family. That's more important than summer school. If I could give my 25-year-old self a message, it would be this:
It wasn't a bust. This Buddhist practice is to help people become truly happy in their lifetime. It's not to just solely be your cosmic Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air; or your Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de la Rosa Ramirez from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody; or your Benson. In fact, having tangible things don't ensure lasting happiness. If it did, the Lemp family name would not have contained four suicides. I am happier now than I was on May 13, 2017 when I embarked on this undertaking. And just like Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother, I give myself a self-five.
By the way, as you embark on this faith, I would strongly advise you to read, re-read, and re-read Nichiren Daishonin's "Letter to Lay Priest Domyo". Read it until the pages fall apart. Then get another volume 1 and read it over and over until you understand that your prayers steer you in the direction of happiness either way the situation turns out. Do not for intellectual purposes. Read it for guidance in faith.
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