When I Had Stopped Chanting

When I had took an acquaintance's advice and stopped chanting, it was at a bad time in my life.  It was during a time when I was dealing with depression and uncertainty about my future, and a fear of finding success, but being alone.  I felt as though no one would accept me for who I was in totality.  And on top of that, I had begun to come out the closet. Like so many gays, I initially said that I was bisexual.  That was when I began to emotionally eat.
The next year was 2,011.  Even though I had all those issues, I seemed to have started off on a good note with stellar grades.  However the year for me made a downward turn on May 14, 2,011, when my classmate Antoine Deonte Little died.  I was so devastated, that it took nearly 11 months before I started to recover.  In the meantime, I just steadily spiraled down and down.  My emotional eating increased.  My fear became evident because I was trying to fellowship with people who at times made me feel like an ant.  Did it alleviate my fear? Hell no.  I just felt lonelier than ever.
Along with that, I realize that I was NOT the best of persons. I was so engrossed with my own issues, that I did not fully appreciate the genuine friends I had.  I was a spazz.  I would curse up a storm and throw tantrums, and then blame it on being abused by my dad as a teenager, or lack of sleep, or being hungry.  My character was so poor that I blamed my French I grade (C) on my teacher rather than myself.
I am so glad that I picked up nam myoho renge kyo again, because in Nichiren Buddhism, you take responsibility for your life and your actions.  As tempting as it is, there is no blaming other people for your decisions and actions.  Not if you really want to be happy.
Of course, people have tried to get me to come back to Christianity, and I refuse because it did not make me happy.  One of those missionaries said, "It's not about happiness."  I must say that he is right.  Christianity is not about happiness.  It's about submission and obedience.  It's about doing what you are told regardless of how it affects other people.  It's about a relationship with a god whose pick up line boils down to essentially an eerie similarity to the words of Claude Frollo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame:
"Hell fire dark fire
Now gypsy it's your turn
Choose me or your Pyre
Be mine or you will burn."